There’s character in the weathering of the door, it tells a story of its own. Its why were drawn to these things, they’re real, like us.
I decided that this year, I am going to get acquainted with my area and explore the surrounding cities more. So, my husband, Brady and I hopped in the car after church this last Sunday and went on a little adventure. We ended up at the richly Greek cultured city of Tarpon Springs.
In the past, I wouldn’t have seen it, but I was intentionally looking for something that spoke to me.
When we drove by, I knew that it was what I was looking for. It was an abandoned building that was falling apart, but it possessed an immense amount of character.
You begin to see things differently when you choose to focus.
I gasped, “How beautiful is this door?” There’s something about the authenticity of it that gripped my gaze.
I saw it, tattered and aged, and declared that it was a work of art.
Yet, we deem ourselves broken and bruised because of our past. We hide our shame, we bury our hurts and try to cover them up. We make our schedules busier, try to enhance our appearances, attempt to be the perfect wife, mom, friend and the list goes on. Instead of making us feel happier, its crippling us. We might look like we have it all together, but the loneliness from the aching of our hearts is intensifying.
Have you ever faced the deepest hurts of your soul? Have you chosen to forgive those who have cut you to the core of your being? Have you truly forgiven yourself for mistakes that you have made? Have you come to peace with God for the losses in your life that you might never understand?
Until you have done this, mustered up the courage to face the past and conquer it with those words of forgiveness, you cannot heal. You cannot move forward. They will haunt you, never allowing you to be the person that God created you to be.
You were created to be free, full of joy and a light to the world.
I had to do it too.
In the past, I sat shaking, with a clenched jaw, hands to my face and a dry throat, I barely breathed out the words, “ I forgive them ”.
It was the moment that I opened the door to my healing.
I didn’t have to say it to anyones face, but God heard me and my heart felt it. I surely didn’t want to say it, but I knew it was what I needed to do. I had a choice: to allow bitterness to set in and overtake my life, or to try and find healing in the hurting.
And I will be the first to tell you, that complete healing can be a journey.
I am that old door: I have known the weathering of seasons, I have faced the rains that tear away at the soul. I had locked myself shut for years, hiding, trying desperately to be strong for myself, when I was honestly terrified of letting anyone in.
But there was day that the sun shone, the lock was turned and I was ready to open myself back up. I finally felt like myself coming alive again. I saw the door beneath, the core of who I was and it was more beautiful that I had remembered.
You, my dear, are also unbelievably beautiful.
Underneath all of the layers of hurt, depression, anxiety, self-hate, and disappointment or whatever it is that you are dealing with, there is a beautiful you that is waiting for wholeness. Draw near to the Father who desires you.
He says, “There is nothing too broken for me to fix!”
The lies tell us that it’s not true, but indeed it is. Cherish these words, it is your time to find healing under his wings.
He has made you beautiful. Its time to rise, to shine, to be filled with joy once again.
“In the shadow of your wing, I will sing for joy.” – Psalm 63:7
There can be beauty where there was brokenness. He turns our darkest hours into monuments of his goodness; Places we can look back and say, He was faithful. He is always faithful.
I urge you to write this down and put it somewhere that you can see it everyday.
“There’s nothing too broken for Him to fix.”
Let it begin to change your perspective and move you closer to living in the fullness of joy, ready to shine out in praise for what He has done in your life.
“You have turned my mourning into joyful dancing.
You have taken away my clothes of mourning and clothed me with joy,
that I might sing praises to you and not be silent.
O Lord my God, I will give you thanks forever!”– Psalm 30:11-12
It doesn’t matter how you became a mom, it only matters that you are one.
I know from experience that being a momma can hurt, like deeply hurt. I also know that it can heal.
Being a mom is the most beautiful gift.
A gift that requires a substantial amount of time, sacrifice, love and most of all, courage.
If you have had a miscarriage: you are a mom! Don’t let anyone else invalidate that.
You carried a precious life (It doesn’t matter for how long) and that baby will always be perfect. You may have heard a number of crazy things, but each child matters. Another child will not take the place of the one you lost. But there is hope of mothering even if you cannot physically bear a child. Or maybe you can. I want you to know that you are not a failure. I thought I was, but sometimes these things happen and there is no explanation. You could’ve done nothing to prevent it. You are simply a momma who has a perfect baby waiting for you in heaven.
If you’ve adopted, then you are an amazing and committed momma. You know that love can be just as thick as blood and that your child is one hundred percent your child. They didn’t have to be born of you to be the little love of your life. They may have special challenges, but you’ve learned (or are still learning) to adapt and love them the way that they need it. You have given up an incredible amount of time and patience to ensure security to your adopted child.
If you’ve fostered, then you are a mom. A mom who has chosen to open up your home and heart to a child or many who otherwise wouldn’t have one. You’ve loved them through their darkest days and you’ve given them a gift that will last a lifetime. Those babies, children, and teenagers will never forget you. No matter how long they were in your home, they will always be in your heart. Fostering is a gift. Many people will tell you how lucky a child is to have you, but what they don’t know is that you are the blessed one. Those children are extremely precious and touch the heart in a unique way.
If you’ve birthed a child, then you know the sacrifice you physically made to bring your child into the world. You endured the pregnancy and having to use the restroom six times throughout the night. You made it through the contractions that you can’t even put into words, and you pushed (literally) through the birth. Yet, we all know that is only the beginning of the sacrifice made to raise a child. Your whole world changes when you become a momma. It isn’t about you anymore. It becomes about wanting the best for your littles, because your littles will eventually become big and have littles of their own.
If you didn’t get it already:
It doesn’t matter how you become a mom, it only matters that you are one.
I want you to know that you matter.
I want you to know that you are doing better than you think you are.
We live in a very broken world and every time we choose to love and teach a child, the world becomes a little less broken.
I know that today some of you, (including me) are hurting because you’ve lost a child. But no matter what you face, you are not alone. If you want, I encourage you to leave a piece of your story in the comments to encourage another momma.
I am a momma of six by various means, but only one lives with me today.
One by birth.
Two were miscarried.
Three I fostered, but loved as my own.
My momma heart hurts. But it is also filled with a love and a joy I would’ve never known without these six.
They hold an incredibly special place in my heart. Equally.
I pray that you know that you are a momma who is beautiful and loved by a God who knows the desires of your heart.
Is the value of their soul worth the laying down of my pride?
Jesus wasn’t worried about what people thought about him or even what they accused him of.
He only cared about binding the wounds of the broken hearts and shattered souls.
He feasted with the hungry and gave of himself to the lonely. He spent precious time of his earthly life among sinners and outcasts because he knew that’s where he was needed most.
Aren’t we called to be like God and to live in the way that he lived? If he came to give his time, his life and his reputation to the sick and the sinner, then how should we give our lives?
He was not embarrassed to be seen with, and to recline with many tax collectors and sinners. Therefore, we should not be embarrassed of those who we are called to lay down our pride for.
For me, it is my children, they have embarrassed me more than I could dream up. They need love, they need affection, they need stability and they need parents who will take them as they are and fight for their needs. Is the value of their lives and their souls worth the laying down of my pride? Yes it is. A million times over, yes! They have caused me embarrassment (what kids don’t?), but more than that they have brought me joy and taught me what truly matters in life.
On many occasions, I have wished I could wear a shirt that says “they are foster children” so people wouldn’t judge me and blame me for their misbehavior. There have been too many times I’ve almost been kicked out of Hobby Lobby or been given dirty looks by people who can’t believe how “bad” of a parent I am.
It is incredibly ugly that my heart and pride would think that, but it’s the truth and I still must fight my pride each day.
I constantly have to remind myself to follow the example of Jesus.
He embraced those whom the world rejected. When questioned about those he placed around him, he didn’t make excuses, he spoke from a place of wisdom and authority.
“But when he heard it, he said, “ Those who are well have no need of a physician, but those who are sick. Go and learn what this means: ‘I desire mercy, and not sacrifice.’ For I came not to call the righteous, but sinners.” (Matthew 9:12)
He heard what others were saying, yet Jesus knew the cost of his reputation was worth the saving of the needy. He loved him with a love that covered over insignificant things like what others thought about him.
Lord forgive me for every time I was more concerned about the thought others have had about my parenting than what I knew my children needed from me. I am sorry that I was embarrassed, when I should have been honored. I never need my pride anyway, so it is a double-blessing what you have done in my life. I pray that as you take what I never needed, and trade it for something meaningful that I would see what truly matters and live out of that place. May my actions and thoughts reflect yours, God. Thank you for the blessings of my children, for they have taught me many lessons and have showed me how to truly love as you do.
Where is your feasting table? Who are your people? Go and love them well.
I have loved you with an everlasting love; therefore I have continued my faithfulness to you. Again I will build you, and you shall be built.
Jeremiah 31:3-4
If you are in a season of brokenness, pray this prayer. Let it be the raw beginning of your healing process. Let the Lord begin to build you again.
Dear Lord, thank you for being a God of restoration.
You are a Father who draws us to yourself, a perfect God who is slow to anger and abounding in love. (Psalm 103:8)
I live in a very broken world, full of real hurts and seasons of loneliness.
Lord, as I surrender my brokenness to you, would you meet me where I am and clothe me with your affections.
It is in your Perfect love that all fear is cast out. (1 John 4:18)
You declare, “I have loved you with an everlasting love.” (Jeremiah. 31:3)
This is not a love that must be earned. I do not have to be “good enough” for you to bestow your love and acceptance upon me. You love me because I am yours. You love me because I am apart of you, crafted in your image. You call me beloved child. You are a father to the fatherless, a savior to the sinner, a comforter to the brokenhearted, you are a lover to the unloved, and you are hope to the hopeless.
You are the source of all restoration, the only hope for humanity.
Daddy, I surrender to you humbly, yet boldly.Deliver me from my fears; heal my deep wounds, restore my joy, cover me in your peace, and be exactly what I need.
You are just that, the only one I need.
Here is my brokenness. I place it at your feet, oh Lord. It is messy, but honest.
Thank you for your perfect, healing, cleansing love; your everlasting love.
He gave you manna to eat in the wilderness, something your ancestors had never known, to humble and test you so that in the end it might go well with you. – Deuteronomy 8:16
Even though my journey hasn’t always been sunshine and sunflowers, the hand of God can not be denied if you knew all of the little stories that make up the big picture of my life.
If you really knew me, you would know that I have experienced bitter heartbreak and shattered dreams. You would also know that my journey never ends there.
The wilderness has taught me to sing through the tears and praise through the pain.
Ann Voskamp says it beautifully, “Lord God, Maker of all, when you give manna moments, may I give you thanks for the mystery. Because the manna that makes no sense- You will make it my sustenance. In all of the “What is it?” moments, turn me to give thanks for who you are.”
Manna literally translates into ” What is it?”
I think about manna often, the “What is it?” of life. The daily miracle that abounded in the midst of the wilderness. This daily miracle provided nourishment in the place of uncertainty and unfamiliarity. Yet in Dueteronomy 8:16, it says, (manna) was given to humble and test them. I’ve found that this humility brings me to my knees, crying out to God. This is the time when I’ve felt closest to Him, when I had nothing else, no one else, but God alone.
It’s in the testing that He’s looking at the heart.
Will you curse Him in the wilderness or will you lift your weary hands in thanksgiving each day because He is faithful?
I’m thankful that I’m not the author of my own story.
I’m thankful that the places where I’ve tried to throw ink on the page, but couldn’t see where it should go, He took my mess and turned it into something much better. When the story started to turn out a way I didn’t want it to go, He saw the lines I couldn’t yet read. He provided the manna to sustain my soul when I was hopelessly wandering in the emptiness of the great unknown. I’m thankful that through the deepest heart breaks and disappointments, He gently led me, held me and sustained me.
He knew the road wouldn’t be easy, but it would be necessary. That it would feel lonely, but that He was all that I needed.
When there was nothing left to cling to, I could see what truly mattered. It was the only thing left standing when all else crumbled around me.
It was You, it is You. it will always be You. The great sustainer, the only one who will never disappoint, who heals shattered lives and makes them stronger. You are the Great I Am, You are peace when fear is knocking. You are the voice saying “don’t give up” when all else is demanding it. You walk me through the wilderness of life, no matter how many times it seems I end up there. Every time it doesn’t exactly get easier, but I do know that the manna will come everyday. I’ve learned that you know the ending, so I take the hand you offer me. I take it and trust that even when the valley is dark, the light always shines in the morning. In the darkness, there’s no need to fear, for You are with me and You go before me. (Deuteronomy 31:8, Psalm 139:5)
Deliver me from my fears; heal my deep wounds, restore my joy, cover me in your peace, and be exactly what I need.
