Sledgehammer to my heart
I am the kind of girl that can hold her own.
I have always been a hard-worker and learned how to take care of myself early in life.
Though, I have learned how to paint my nails and wear dresses (sometimes), the tough tomboy that I was growing up still lurked underneath.
While in the process of taking care of my own, I quickly discovered the convenience of putting up walls.
Oh my, it is sure easy to put your walls up when you have been hurt; and more you have been hurt, the sturdier the walls.
Over time, I found that my heart had been fully enclosed by a wall the size of The Great Wall of China.
A heart that strongly secured was not going to be handed over very easily; it had to be fought for.
Sure, “I’ve been working on it”, recognizing that burying my hurts only turned them into extreme numbness or rages of anger.
Yet, what I did not know was that God was calling me to finally surrender.
So, there I was again at training camp; this time with everything together. Or so I thought. Brady and I had been working on our marriage and ourselves these past six months anyway.
I managed to get past the first two days of camp without any tears, however the third night rolled around and I was quickly wrecked with no return.
I thought I was ready this time, but God knew the longings in my hearts, the ones that no one else knew.
During a time of worship, He showed me that He could see what was hidden in the depths of heart. The little things I kept under lock and key.
All I wanted that night was to know that God remembered me. I couldn’t feel anything and looking around it seemed everyone else could.
Just then, with my eyes shut tight, someone walked beside me and told me what God was speaking to them: He said, “You no longer need to fight for yourself. You need to trust God and trust the husband that he gave to you. “
WRECKED.
I was completely and utterly wrecked as if God took an enormous sledgehammer and shattered the sky-high walls I had built.
He was gently whispering the words right back to me that I had prayed many nights.
“Lord, I do not want to fight for myself any longer. It is so exhausting.”
His reply was a simple, “Surrender”.
I so ached to lay down my heart and my past hurts fully over to God. I desired to be free from insecurities and the natural instinct to hide behind the walls I’ve built.
But it was time for my relationship with God and my husband to be taken to a deeper level: A level of complete trust by holding nothing back.
Let me just say this: I LOVE MY HUSBAND, and I mean, really love him. And I do trust him, but it’s like God knew that there was a piece of myself that I was holding back. I still held onto a desire for control over my own heart and a security of never getting hurt-ever again.
After this, I was able to be vulnerable with Brady and tell him how I felt about all of this. As God cut knocked down hurts from the very surface of my walls, I was able to feel a kind of free that I never have before.
I believe that God created a time of new beginnings and a new heart within my being. This next year around the world, I will be able to serve and love others out of a place of freedom!
It doesn’t start when we leave the soil of America; God has already begun a beautiful story.
Are you ready to surrender to God and live life out of a place of freedom and new beginnings?
